The Man On The Street

Today I found a man on the side of the street with everything he owned in a suitcase. Everyone has seen or will in the future a homeless person. Most just walk or drive on by but something told me to stop. I sat down beside him and said with a sigh “what’s your story?” He looked at me with a grin from ear to ear and said “Now little lady, what makes you wanna here an old bastards story like mine?” I laughed and said “Because I have one too”. He told me about his family, said he had 3 kids. Two of which had become fairly successful and one who was a elementary school teacher. His wife left him a couple years ago and he said somehow he got here. He had a southern accents and spoke slowly and was fairly grammatically correct. I asked him about any alcohol or drug problems and he said when he had tried he was just a kid and never touched it since because he knew he didn’t know when to stop. After he finished I said “Well you haven’t lived too rough of a life, why do you live out here?” Just then he said the words that I have been repeating in my head all day and will continue to stay close to my heart in years to come. He said “Hun, I know I haven’t showered and I smell a little rotten but I have it easy. Quite truthfully I have a better life than any of these ol’ people. They walk past me and give me money and I give it back. I do not need money because I am at serenity with myself. I am happy to be alive. They need money to be happy, so let them keep it.” He smiled and said “When you sat down here you said you had a story, go on and tell me” I told him about how my parents had divorced when I was little and I had an abusive stepfather. I told him about how recently this year my father passed away suddenly of a heart attack. I told him about how I want to be a supermodel but for now I compete in beauty pageants. When I was done he looked at me and smiled and said “Sometimes the ones that dress the best, look the best and smile are the ones that cry all night.” Sometimes the ones that look like they are put together are the ones falling apart.” Since my father passed I have learned to be nice to everyone because everyone has a battle. Everyone will eventually get burned whether they have already or not. Today taught me that the one that has nothing is less hurt than the one who has everything. Society sees that man as a hard-living, dirty scum who is either an alcoholic or a drug addict. That man is not our societies assumption. It’s the same concept as “Don’t judge a book by a cover”. The other side is unknown. Sometimes the prettiest ones on the outside are the ugliest inside. So please, be kind. Talk to strangers and ignore judgement assumptions because chances are you were wrong.

{S.p.a.}

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Picking up

When your left on the ground bleeding out for the one who left. Maybe they meant to and maybe they didn’t. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter because they aren’t here. Their abstinence is known and missed and you cannot stop from crying when your all alone.

You’ve lost your self in the sea and somehow you know there has to be land because you saw it once before. Once before you were on the land.

So you look at your skin, and you close your eyes and you count sins trying to take it all in. If you stop now you’ll never have a chance at finding ground again. It all comes to hope, and faith and will.

For anyone who is going through a difficult time in their lives right now, hold your head high and keep going. You never know what you might’ve missed. You can chose to let things break you or make you.

Get lost at sea, but not too often. And when you do, don’t let it get the best of you.

What are you waiting for?

When you peek over the edge to look before you fall it will scare you everytime. You will slowly walk backwards and hesitantly peer over the top. When you look down you will imagine the breeze, hitting your face and you plummeting down so fast and so far from where you are now that you have to trust that one day you will be better than what you are now because of the leap of faith you took.

Stop waiting for what’s next. Your time is now and maybe this is it isn’t the right place but your can find it. Everyone had a wonderland, but you have to fall through the hole to find it.

I am the one who doesn’t stand anywhere near the edge, peering over the top has become impossible for me because I know like everything else, it can break. It will drag down so far and so hard that you won’t know who you are or where you stand. The soil that you once walked on will become a dream to you. The soil of security and trust will be no where in your sights and there you are, lost and alone but not lonely.

Isolation is my method. I push people away so fast that they can’t grip on to me and hold on to me. I like to be alone and yet I don’t feel lonely. I am a isolationist for one reasons. Everything ends and to me, it’s better to never start. Maybe if you never start to jump then you’ll never break.

Maybe I’m wrong but isolation helps me protect myself. If I never get close to anyone, when they leave I won’t be as hurt. It helps me to cry alone and never let anyone see your weakness, because once they find it. They will crush you. They will take advantage of you and when they are done they will throw you in with everyone else. You are not everyone else. You’re meant to be somebody.
Hold your head down now and hide in the dark and wait for your spotlight to prove all of them who you are. To shine, is to show and that can only be done when you have something to show.

Without you

You are gone and I am too. Maybe not physically but emotionally and mentally I am gone. I am sad, depressed and angry that you left. I am mad that you didn’t care enough to take care of yourself. In the end you paid for it. But I’m the end, I am left with it.

I am left with everyday facing the fact that you will never talk, whisper, touch, whistle, laugh or cry. I am left with nothing but pictures and memories and I deserve more than that.

If you won’t give me that then I will get it for myself. I will grow to live beyond the pain and the suffering. I will someday trust people enough to know that they will not leave. I know you didn’t mean to leave but you did. Without even a goodbye. You left the worse way, unexplained and never said.

Because in the end it’s not a journey to life, it’s a journey to death.

Lovesick

Love is something we all have. Whether it’s right now or once was. Maybe it’s buried beneath the tears or maybe it’s right on top constantly on your mind.

We know fear of losing. Fear of a lost of hope and desire to be with one we love. Insecurities will fall out, trust will show it’s true face and love or lust will somehow place in the middle telling us if we are truly in love. Behind the romantic nights, laughing memories and tears of joy there is anger, fear, and often sorrow.

Love is not kind. Once it is rough to you, do not dwell. It’s okay to feel sorrow but when life throws curves at you simply stand straight and keep walking in a line. And remember nothing is permanent. So the sorrow you feel will be happiness tomorrow. Things change because we do not have controll.

Controll is power. And power is corruption. Eventually it will lose all meaning until it is disintegrated into nothing.

My theory is if two people truly love each other they will meet all ends to make it work. Whether it’s talking for hours or simply saying I’m sorry. If they love each other enough it will work out in the end.

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Wanting but fearing

Love is one thing every single person has in common. It’s rare and it’s special. Each unique in its own way. Each spark eventually lights a fire and when it spreads it’s hard to light out.

What I’ve been trying to figure out lately is if I have a fire or a spark. I am in love with you. I think about you constantly. I can’t begin to count how many times a day you cross my mind.

I want so badly to be with you and only you for the rest of my life. But we are so young. We are both so innocent and sheltered. How would we ever begin to know what love feels like? But when I’m with you it’s like being with my father all over again.

I can’t stand the thought of someone else having you and I cant stand the thought of you leaving so I guess you had better stay. Is it possible that someone can wait their whole life and never find the right one and I found mine without looking?

I don’t know what the future opens but I hope it includes you.

Walking stories

In September my entire life was turned around. Everything changed and I was still trying to figure out how. It’s crazy to think that one moment you can be so perfectly fine. You can be crystal clear like a piece of glass. Beautiful, and transparent and then next moment you’re world is at the bottom of your feet and it’s swallowing you whole.

It’s things like that make us realize what really matters in life. The people and the journey will be what you remember. Not what clothes you wear, how you did your hair or if you’re pretty. Some people will pretend they know the feeling, they will pretend to know exactly what you’re going through but honestly they know nothing.

They don’t know the constant “I’m not good enough” comments that run through your head through the day and night. They don’t even know you’re story. But maybe it’s the story that makes you different.

We are all walking stories. With pain, laughs and tears. Everyone’s story is different. Every single person has life experiences that have made them change, although some more than others. Some people walk around their whole life with their feet dragging along the ground. And I refuse to be one of them.

It looks like everything’s fine. That is what everyone believes. And honestly sometimes I do too.

I am broke, I am lost and quite honestly it’s become normal for me. I am so used to pretending and lying that I am okay.

Torn, ripped and shredded I am going to be somebody. For myself. Because I know that I am better than what I am right now and I know he would want me to do everything I ever dreamed of. I promise I will be everything you ever wanted and everything you ever wished for. And when I get to the end even though I won’t see you, I know you will be watching me.

You handed me the world in a gold platter so I will give you a piece of my heart in your mausoleum.

A part of my heart went with you to your grave. You can keep it. You told me you would love me unconditionally and so I must promise you the same.

Perfect and Fake

From walking down the street in public to shopping malls and social media. The pressure to be perfect grows more and more each day. With children looking at anorexic supermodels as their role models.

We are all guilty of staring at the models and wishing we had that petite body, little waist-line and the beautiful polished face.

The truth is behind the lights, pretty face and the perfect body, things aren’t so perfect. Over 64% have eating disorders causing them to make themselves starve, throw up after consuming any amount of food and even taking medicines to help the digestive system push out fatty substance through their body.

It’s significantly damaging our brains to have this all around perfect human-beings around us constantly to remind us of what we need to be. But what are we really “supposed” to look like? Is it possible for a woman to have a 23 inch waist and Double D Breast? Absolutely not. The photos we look at are Airbrushed, Photoshopped, Cut and Copied.

Even though what we see is beautiful and astonishing, it’s also unrealistic. Even anorexic and bulimic models who have dedicated their life to their appearance admit that they too are not what you actually see in the media.

One day I hope out society will reach a realization that perfect is not anorexic. Perfect is a normal body, with it’s flaws and curves and although still petite. While being obese or overweight is not astonishing neither should being underweight.

Because at the end of the day it is segregating and tearing apart the youth not just in one place, but around the world. Young girls feel the pressure to be the skinniest. I have seen it first- hand and I hope to see it end first- hand.

Love just happens

In the beginning it was supposed to be just a little cute relationship that meant nothing and when it ended neither one of us would care because it was just short, sweet and cute.

But now I’m in and there’s no way out. I’m stuck in your smile. Stuck in remembering your eyes when you talk to me. I adore you and your ignorance, pettiness and loyalty.

I know that when you see someone’s name that not yours across my screen it’s because you are afraid of losing me. But that’s the very thing that scares me most.

I wouldn’t say falling in love with you was an accident because it’s one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I love your insecurities, you’re bad and you’re good.

I am sorry I am afraid to open up and let down my guard but somehow the walls are cracking and you are sinking in. Just like water you pour into my heart and everything I know.

Please don’t leave. Without you I am lost, destroyed and torn in half.

In the end, We are the ones who are the lucky ones; you’ve have gaven me love and I will forever give you mine. Forever&always.

What we see in and out.

Today I realized how different I am. How ignorant, and self- conscious I am. I tend to push away the ones who care about me the most because I feel if I get too attached they will leave. Like all good things, they will leave.

I put on this face in front of people that shows that I’m fine that I get through the day with a smile and deep inside I’m a broken glass. Shattered and destroyed. Why don’t people realize it? Why don’t they see beyond the smile and look within my eyes? I’m not a actress and I know I don’t hide it very well.

Maybe it’s because they don’t want to see it. Because if your pretend something isn’t wrong you never freely have to deal with it. Is it better to keep it bottled up? Is it better to keep smiling and keep going while emotionally, physically, and mentally you are exhausted? Tired of running back and forth. Tired of trying to maintain a stable dignity while your so beneath the water you can even see the top.

If tomorrow you slowly drift out of my life, I will tell myself it’s okay, it’s just a rainy day and I will be fine anyway. But deep down I will drownd a little bit more and get caught up in the storm.

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